INFINITE GRACE

“He has done it again. He has dragged you into some misbehaviour and now taunts you with guilt-induced words, right?” One look at my face and Holly, my bosom friend didn’t need a seer to tell her what’s gone wrong again! We have been at this long enough for her to know when I’ve gone off to indulge my foolishness and stupidity.

I bowed my head like a remorseful child and allowed silent tears stream down my face. I couldn’t bear to see the knowing look on Holly’s face – she’s just too full of wisdom and me, I’m so stupid! Sometimes, I wonder how she puts up with me.

“Look at me.” Holly gently raised my face so her eyes could meet mine. “You know you can always talk to me.” Her eyes were the most gentle I had ever seen. It held no condemnation whatsoever, only unconditional love. “Do you want to tell me what happened this time?”

I sniffed a bit, and then wiped my face with the handkerchief she gave to me. “Oh Holly, I don’t know why I allow him to keep doing this to me.”

“But Megan, aren’t you tired of going back and forth with this guy? He’s definitely up to no good and you know it.” A brief look of exasperation crossed Holly’s face as she searched mine for the faintest clue. “What on earth are you still doing with him?

“It’s not easy as you think. I want to quit but the heart wants what it wants. You know that Holly, don’t you?”

“What I know is that you should quit this relationship.” She replied

“Ok, I know I shouldn’t put up with him doing this to me all the time, but you see, he excites me, he brings out the adventurous person in me, and he takes me high….”

“…..and then drops you!” Those words cut deep to my soul.

“You don’t understand…”

“I do understand, Megan, I do. I understand that you are being influenced negatively. I understand that you know what to do but just wouldn’t do it. I understand everything and completely too.”

“But I need him, don’t you see? I need someone to give me excitement, someone to fill the vacuum. Holly, please understand me.”

I kept pleading with my eyes that Holly should understand and support my argument, at least a bit but she just kept staring at me like I had grown two horns in my head.

“How could you say such things, Megan? What kind of vacuum do you need to fill with such a guy? What about Jay? Has he not been there for you? Doesn’t he come to your rescue every time you need him? What does Seth give you that Jay can’t give you?”

“Excitement Holly,” my eyes flashed with a tinge of frustration, “Jay does not excite me the way Seth does. He’s too sanctimonious, principled, and perfect. He’s no fun at all. His dos and don’ts drive me crazy!”

“Megan,” She spoke my name softly, “That is so not fair. Jay has always been good to you. Whenever you make a fool of yourself, feel used, abused, and discarded or when you are forlorn and you need a shoulder to lean on, he always comes to your rescue. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

I didn’t say a word; I couldn’t at that instance because I knew her words were true. I sat there pouting like a spoilt child who wanted something her mother was not willing to give her.

Holly continued, “Megan, you know as much as I do that Jay loves you so much, he would do anything for you. He respects you and he’s loyal to you. He doesn’t treat you the way Seth does; he cherishes you and cares for you. He has your best interest at heart and he can fulfill your innermost desires. Seth doesn’t and can’t do any of these for you and you know it………”

“Enough!” I angrily cut Holly short in mid-sentence. “Enough! I know all about my life. I don’t need you rehearsing it to me. You’re not me Holly, you’re not in my shoes and I don’t expect you to understand what’s going on. So please, just cut it out and give me a break! Besides, what else would you have said about Jay? Both of you are birds of same feather – sanctimonious, rigid, and totally without fun. You two should get together one of these days, you’re a perfect fit!”

I had said too much, and by the look on her face, I knew I had grieved her. With deep sadness on her face she said, “Well, I guess you’re a big girl and you can take care of yourself. You don’t need me chaperoning you any longer. I just hope you know what you’re really doing.” With that, she quietly walked out of the room.

After her departure, it was as though the room had been sucked of every fresh and uncontaminated air. My spirit broke. Although Holly’s voice held neither condemnation nor sarcasm, I couldn’t help but feel agony, grief, and guilt deep down in my soul. Agony, for allowing myself linger in such hopeless situation and feeling too helpless to do something about it; grief, for letting my trusted friend down; and guilt for saying those horrible things about Jay, whom I know loves me unconditionally!

……to be cont’d

© 2013 AyotundeElegbeleye

Jesus is LORD!

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