The adventures of Solape and her identical twin siblings Ololade and Omolola. She came 14 months after they were born and bear striking resemblance to them so she easily passes off as their triplet and ÈKÉTA OMO.
(On campus. In the room)
Omolola: Do you guys have plans for Sallah break?
Ololade: Why do you ask?
Omolola: Mummy wants us to come home. I’m chatting with her as we speak.
Solape: What’s happening at home? Is mummy killing Sallah ram?
Ololade: Is mummy a muslim?
Solape: I was wondering na ni. Why does she want us to come home for Sallah break if there’s no ram slaughtering?
Omolola: Your mother can’t ask to see you again, shey? See your mouth like ram. (hisses)
Solape: See your own mouth like crocodile. You can’t talk without adding insult. If I respond now, you’ll start tearing bra.
Omolola: What’s funny? That’s how you’ll be encouraging her to disrespect her elders.
Ololade: You started it, hanty Methu.
Solape: What’s Methu?
Ololade: Methuselah, the elder stateswoman.
Omolola: I don’t have you people’s time. I just told mummy that we don’t have plans for Sallah break, we’re coming home. Mission accomplished.
Solape: Ehn? Abeg, speak for yourself o. Who told you I don’t have plans?
Omolola: When I asked, you were busy running your mouth. Tough luck.
Solape: Tough luck ko, soft luck ni. I have plans o, from Friday till Monday, and that’s it.
Omolola: Not my business. Pick your phone and call mummy.
Ololade: Why does she want us to come home, anyway?
Omolola: She’s expecting a visitor during Sallah break but something came up, which will take her out-of-town from Friday till Sunday so she wants us to host her visitor.
Solape: Ehn, no wahala nau, shebi it’s for visitor to have someone to say, “welcome”. One person is enough to do that ke. You are a very good hostess, you can stand in for us.
Omolola: No be only ‘stand in’, you don’t want me to ‘sit in’ for you, too?
Solape: That’s even better. Just be the good hostess that you are, lo ba tan.
Omolola: Oro e o l’esi. I have no words for you. (hisses)
Ololade: Who’s the visitor sef?
Ololade: Who’s Susan?
Omolola: You know uncle Bade? Mum’s cousin?
Ololade: Yes, I do.
Omolola: That’s his daughter.
Solape: The one in UK?
Ololade: That one is Ope. I’m not so familiar with the rest of them but I know Ope. She’s the one studying in UK.
Omolola: Ope is Susan, Susan is Ope. I guess she prefers her English name. By the way, she’s back from the UK o. She’s been in Naija for a while.
Ololade: Oh wow, she has graduated. How come we didn’t hear the news? Congrats to her.
Omolola: I don’t think she has graduated. Seems she’s concluding her education here. I’m not sure sha.
Ololade: Oh, I see…
Solape: Ehen! I for talk say she graduate con come back to Naija? For what na?
Ololade: What kind of talk is that? Is Naija not her fatherland?
Solape: Motherland nko? How about brotherland and sisterland? Emi Solape, I will now graduate in UK or America and start running back to Nigeria when they did not swear for me.
Omolola: Before nko? Is it Ghana you will run to?
Solape: Yes o, at least Ghana has constant power supply. Wo, if I step out of the shores of this fatherland, I’m not looking back until these ancestors stop ruling and reigning and we are no longer a ‘4th world nation’ because as we dey so, before before 3rd world countries don pass, leave us behind…eiiisssh.
Ololade: Shioor. Unpatriotic citizen is what you are.
Solape: Forget that thing. Who patriotic epp? Are these ancestors scrambling to lead us patriotic?
Omolola: If every young person bolts, who will take over from the ancestors? Who will make the country great again?
Solape: That is for young people with political ambition. I no get any.
Ololade: They will need supporters and cheerleaders ke.
Solape: The world is now a global village. I will cheer the loudest from wherever I am and as soon as they take over, I’m back. Very simple sontin.
Ololade: E dey your body.
Solape: Na so jare my sister. Everybody own dey im body.
Omolola: Okay girls, it’s settled, we are hosting Susan during Sallah break.
Solape: I didn’t agree to that o. I told you I have plans.
Ololade: What plans are you on about gan. Those celebrating Sallah sef no make noise reach you.
Omolola: Don’t mind her.
Solape: Na una sabi o. It’s an annual routine, mum sef know say na Ruka get me every Sallah.
Omolola: Ruka na friend, Susan na family; because of meat, you no wan know family again. Be patriotic for once.
Solape: Yeye dey worry you. If I bring the meat now, na you go first bring mouth to chop, dey drool like Pavlovian dog.
Omolola: Na you dey drool, imbecile!
Solape: (laughs) I never start, you don dey ranju. I go spare you today, make you no tear all your bra finish.
Omolola: Ori e. Your head.
Ololade: Stop! Solape, that’s not cool. You should apologise.
Solape: She started it.
Ololade: What she said didn’t call for such vitriol. Apologise.
Solape: (to Omolola) Oya, sorry.
Omolola: (to Solape) You too, sorry.
Ololade: Thank you. Solape, no vex, next year Sallah will be ‘sweeter’, you hear?
Solape: Abegi! Mum should have rescheduled jare and tell her to come on Monday, shebi that’s still Sallah break.
Ololade: She’ll come all the way from Akure to spend few hours and return? Sallah break ends on Monday o, hanty.
Solape: Akure is not so far na, if she travels early, she will have enough time to visit and still get back home in good time. Worst case, she will go back first thing Tuesday morning.
Ololade: Na wah for you o.
Omolola: (to Solape) You know what, go ahead with your Sallah plan. Lolade and I will host Susan. It’s not that deep.
Ololade: No o. Mummy asked the three of us to come home.
Omolola: When she’s making a mountain out of a molehill nko? Her rant dey tire person jare.
Solape: (to Ololade) Did you hear her? Na me dey rant, abi? If I reply her now, she will start convulsing.
Ololade: Kai! I can’t keep up with you two, I need fresh air!
Omolola: (moves towards her bed) I need rest, biko.
Solape: I need my Sallah break, simple!
To be cont’d…
2018 © AyotundeElegbeleye
Jesus is LORD!